Distinctives of a Christian Marriage

by James Lincoln on Sunday, June 25, 2006

Marriage is in the air! Wednesday, Debby and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. That reminded me of the grace of God in my life. If you ever want an illustration of grace (unmerited favor) just look at the wife God gave me. Without question I married up. We went to Powell's bookstore and enjoyed a great meal down town. In a few days Steffen and Christi will be exchanging marriage vows before God, family and friends. So, this morning I want us to consider two blessings or two distinctives of a Christian marriage. They're found in Ephesians 5:25ff. and Ezekiel 16:8ff. If you get these two things down you will have more joy in your marriage than you can sometimes contain.

Introduction:

When Debby and I were married I was so young that I had to have my dad's permission. At that time in New Mexico - young men had to be at least twenty-one to be legally married. I think it was fifteen for girls. So, when I asked my dad for his permission - after some discussion about how important it was that I finish school - he agreed. However, just a few weeks before the wedding I discovered that he didn't sign the papers. He changed his mind. Invitations had gone out, plane reservations had been made and folks were coming from as far away as New York, Texas and California. Debby and I pondered and prayed. A few days later my landlord showed me an article on the front page of the Albuquerque Journal newspaper. It read that the New Mexico state legislature passed a new law allowing young men eighteen years old and up to be married without their parents' permission. That was great news. But here's the exciting thing. The new law went into affect on the 19th of June. In New Mexico you have to have your license at least a part of three days before you could get married. Our wedding date was set for the 21st of June. Do the math. We like to think that God moved the state legislature of New Mexico so that we could get married. That was 35 years ago on Wednesday!

Marriage has to be one of the most challenging and at the same time rewarding and beautiful experiences a person can know. In the early years we terribly underestimated the degree of our own selfishness. Unless we learned how to serve each other - rather than making sure we got served by the other - our marriage would never be what we wanted it to be. We want you to know that God's grace to sinners like us has been remarkable and abundant. God called us often to walk by faith and not by sight.

Two Biblical Distinctives of a Christian Marriage

This morning I want us to consider two Biblical distinctives of a Christian marriage. I'm sure they're not new to most of you. I've mentioned them before. Like Peter did, I bring them to us by way of reminder.

According to the latest surveys there's now no longer any difference in the durability of marriage between those who say they are evangelical Christians and their secular counterparts. Let's lay aside our judgment for a moment and consider the grief and pain so many couples are experiencing right now as we speak. Early on Debby and I thought about throwing in the towel. You can just get to a point when you don't see any hope. That degree of sadness tears your heart out. Something else is at stake for Christians - the loss of a credible witness to God's reconciling power. If we believe that through faith in Christ that God reconciles sinners to Himself, and that His reconciling power and message is in us who believe in Jesus then the credibility of our witness is damaged if we can't find the grace to learn how to get along in our closest relationships (especially marriage). Beloved, our inability to get along - not just in marriage but in the church - damages our witness. Jesus said, "They shall know that you are Christians by your love." One of the marks of the end times is that love will grow cold. I wonder...are we there?

Paul and Ezekiel's words here offer us a vision of not only surviving marriage...but they also offer a way to thrive and be glad in our marriages. I just want to focus on two realities that will bring gladness to our relationships.

1. In a Christian marriage you discover your joy in marriage as you arrange for the joy of your spouse. Or to put it another way...Your joy in marriage is directly related to your pursuit of your mate's holy joy.

2. Your marriage is about something exponentially greater than your marriage. I'll come back to this.

Discover Your Joy by Pursuing Your Spouses Joy

Let's go back to the first reality. In a Christian marriage you discover or find your joy as you seek your joy in pursuing and arranging your spouse's joy.

In Eph. 5:25 Paul exhorts Christian husbands to "love their wives as Christ loved the church." Think about this. Could he have set the bar any higher? Who can do this? Well, no one perfectly. Our reach here will always exceed our grasp. But it does give us aim and something to aspire and grow up into. And through the help of the Holy Spirit we can find ourselves achieving things in this respect we never thought before possible.

OK... How then did Jesus love the church? What is a Christ-like love? Now, ladies...listen up! Just because this is addressed to husbands doesn't mean that wives are exempt from loving their husband's in a Christ like manner. Both husbands and wives vow to love each other. Jesus says to all Christians. "As I have loved you so go and love one another." As leaders husbands are to take the lead in this...but God calls all of us to love each other in a Christ-like manner. How did Jesus love His church? Paul says that, "He gave Himself up for her." In other words Jesus sacrificed His own well being for our well being. Why? He says to cleanse and sanctify her. OK but...why? "to present her to Himself radiant, beaming and without fault."

And why does He want His church radiant, beaming and without fault? Heb.12:22 tell us. It says that "For the joy set before Him Jesus endured the cross." Isaiah 62:5 says, "As the bridegroom rejoices over His bride so the Lord God rejoices over you." Zeph. 3:17 tells us that God "rejoices over us with loud singing!"

How did Jesus love the church? He didn't sacrifice His joy. He sacrificed His well being. That's what's counterintuitive to us. That's what so many fights in marriage are about. We think that sacrificing our well being means to sacrifice our joy. But Jesus pursued His joy. How? He took great joy in pursuing and arranging the joy of His beloved at the cost of His well being - but notice - not at the cost of His joy. It was in the pursuit of His joy. You may not believe this now but nothing could make us more joyful than being presented before God as faultless, righteous, acceptable and loved as God's faultless bride.

But here's the question...We know ourselves and others well enough to know that we're not faultless, spotless. "How could God ever consider me faultless, pure and spotless? The evidence makes it ridiculous. And outside of the gospel it is. Come on now be honest...haven't you lied, broken your promise, haven't you coveted another's stuff? How in the world could you ever consider yourself spotless and pure? Outside some miracle of grace and forgiveness it's a joke to think we are spotless...It's laughable. As we saw in Romans nine, it's just as laughable as Sarah having a child when she was barren and ninety years old! She laughed at the idea that she and Abraham would have a child in their old age. But God's sovereign grace made it so. You can be called blameless, spotless and pure but only by the miracle of God's sovereign grace. This is what happens when you trust in Jesus as your savior and Lord. He forgives you of all your sins and makes you as though you were spotless.

Outside of this gift you have no case and no defense before God's throne of justice. But if you believe in Jesus, He brings this infallible case before the bar of God's justice and he says before God the judge...."I have paid the penalty. I died on their behalf. I have paid the price of justice and justice says that God will not exact two payments for one debt." So, He says to the enemy of your soul, "Your charge has no foundation here. Go jump into a heard of swine or something and leave my bride alone."

Jesus loves us and finds His joy in pursuing our joy. He went to the cross for the joy set before Him. One reason there is so much misery in marriage today is not that husbands and wives are seeking their own joy. It's that we do not seek our own joy by arranging the holy joy of our wives and our husbands. Jesus takes great joy in arranging your joy. He rejoices because of the joy He can bring to the bride.

Notice that this love is not free of self-interest. In verse 29-30 Paul says, "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but he nourishes it and cherishes it, JUST AS CHRIST DOES the church, for we are members of His own body.

The union between Christ and His bride is so close that any good done to her is a good and a joy done to Him. That means that Christ does have some self-interest in this. Now, some say that true love must be free of self-interest. But that definition of love doesn't fit with this text. According to this, Paul appeals to our self interest. He who loves his wife loves himself. We can't extract self-interest from love as described in this text. But be careful.

The self-interest that Jesus models for us is not selfishness. Selfishness seeks joy and happiness at the expense of the joy of others. Love seeks joy in the pursuit of the holy joy of others. There's a huge difference. This love will even suffer and die for the beloved in order that our joy might be made holy and full. vs. 25 "He gave himself up for her." So, how do you discover joy in your marriage? You discover your joy as you pursue, work for and arrange for the holy joy of your spouse. A narcissistic culture will never get this. It pursues its own joy at all costs. Today, husbands and wives are too often competing for who will get the biggest piece of the pie in the marriage. And as a result joy and gladness are rare. Jesus said that you gain your life by losing it.

How?

OK, How does that kind of love show up? Look at Ek.16 for a moment. God is speaking here and He is using the covenant of marriage to describe his love for Israel His chosen people.¹

Vs. 8 Later I passed by and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garments over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you declares the Sovereign Lord and you became mine."

While in Egypt and under Pharaoh the Jews suffered heinous abuse. They were (so to speak) naked and vulnerable. God came to her, saved her (rescued her) out of cruel bondage and brought her out into the Promised Land with extravagant blessings. He treated Israel as His bride. That's the background of Ezekiel 16.

How did He love His bride?

1. First notice that He loved her with his covenant love.

Notice in v. 8 that she didn't become his until after he made a covenant with her. Why do we exchange vows of marriage? Because vows before God are designed to bring joy. You provide an atmosphere of safety and security by making an irrevocable and unassailable covenant before God. The word covenant means to cut. When Abraham asked God how he could believe God's promises God said take an animal and cut it in two pieces. "Lay the two pieces on the ground and expose them to the maggots in the earth and the vultures in the sky." Then God walked through the pieces. In ancient Hittite religions this was called a maladictory oath. It meant this: "If I don't keep my word, you may cut me open and spread my sorry carcass out for the maggots and the vultures to devour. May my body rot and decay for all to see." Now, here this is God speaking. "If I don't keep my word the one true living God will be utterly decimated like this animal." How likely is it that God is going to be utterly decimated? Not very likely.

Look, a distinctively Christian marriage is one where it is established and nurtured by covenant love. Here's a good definition of love. Love exists when the satisfaction and security of another means more to you than your own. Perfect love casts out all fear. Seek the joy of your spouse by nurturing your covenant love. Tell each other and your kids that this marriage is till death do us part. We have called God as a witness and we believe in His help. Nurture each other's joy in covenant love.

2. (vs.9) Pursue the joy of your spouse by arranging an ever growing sexual intimacy with your spouse.

"You became mine and I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you."

Why is he bathing her? Why is he washing blood from her body and putting ointments on her? Here's what's going on. When a Hebrew marriage was consummated through sexual intercourse the band of the bride's virginity was broken and blood spilled on her and the bed sheet. Hebrew women did something very unusual among ancient people. The bride kept the blood stained sheet as evidence of her purity against any accusation of promiscuity against her. After intercourse the husband bathed his wife with water and washed the blood from her and he anointed her with ointments.

Few things anywhere are so intimate as this. Is this the kind of intimacy you are pursuing in your marriage? Can you see and feel the beauty of their transparency and trust? Can you sense how at ease they are in each other's presence? Notice the tenderness of the husband and the joyful yielded-ness of his wife. There's no hint of shame, resistance or embarrassment.

Now our policy in marriage has always been to be frank about S.E.X. But can I ask, "Is it possible that one of the reasons there is so much misplaced sensuality in the world and the church is because there is so little holy and appropriate sensuality in our marriages?" The Bible's not timid about this at all. Pv. 5:18 says, "Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth. Let her breasts satisfy you at all times!" In the Song of Solomon the wife says, "My husband is like a pouch of perfume which lies all night between my breasts."

In the same chapter the husband describes his wife in very sensual terms, "her navel is like a goblet her stomach is like a heap of wheat...her breasts are like two young does...her nose and neck are like the tower of Lebanon." Now that might not sound sexy to you but trust me an anorexic woman with plastic breasts would not have sounded sexy to anyone in that culture either.

Later she says to her husband, "Lets go out into the vineyard and in the middle of the day she says, "Let's make love right here under the grapevines."

OK, I'll stop so you won't have to sneak out the back and race home before this is over. Seek your joy in marriage by arranging joyful sexual intimacy with your spouse. Paul says that the wife's body doesn't belong to her but to her husband and shockingly for a piece of ancient literature he says that a husband's body belongs to his wife. And in none of the references I've mentioned were the husbands and wives forcing themselves to keep their obligations. Instead they are pursuing the joy of their beloved.

3. In verse 10-13: He takes great joy in showering her with numerous and costly tokens of his love and affection. He provides her with clothes, shoes, bracelets, earrings, jewelry and a necklace. How am I doing ladies? Did you notice the ring in her nose? OK, let's declare that one cultural.

At the least we can say that he was liberal in his generosity when it came to making sure that she knew that she was the cherished woman in his life. Did you notice the crown in vs. 12 the crown and in verse 13 that she became very beautiful and a queen. A queen has majestic authority. She's not some servile slave. Men, what do you do to persuade your wife that she is a queen? Ladies, what do you do to persuade your husband of his authority? How do you do this? How do you adorn your spouse with dignity, honor, confidence, esteem, authority, and splendor? He seeks his joy in arranging the joy of his beloved.

You say, "Well, you just don't know my wife or my husband. He won't respond. She won't respond. It's just wasted effort."

Paul tells us "while we were yet sinners Christ loved us by dying for us." He did not wait until we were receptive or responsive." This is where nobility comes in to play. You may be called to love without a reciprocal response. Your love may be rejected. Jesus' love gets rejected every day both by believers and non believers alike. How about you? Are you living in the joy that Jesus has arranged for you at the cost of His life? Look, Christ loved us while we were yet sinners not after we became all lovey dovey with Him. That's when he pursued our greatest joy. Seek your joy in marriage in the arrangement of your beloved's joy.

Finally, A Christian marriage is about something exponentially greater than your marriage.

A Christian marriage is a witness to the mystery of the gospel. In the gospel God has given us more to rejoice about than you can ever imagine. Because of Christ's sacrificial love and leadership:

- We have been rescued from the powers of darkness.
- We have been reconciled to God.
- We have been called his beloved children and his precious bride.
- We have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in heaven.
- Our sins have been cast as far as the East is from the West to be remembered no more.
- He has given us His Holy Spirit and God Himself has taken up residence in our hearts.
- He has given us His precious promises and His unfailing love.
- We have been given everything we need for life and godliness.
- We have been seated at the right hand of God in glory.
- We have been given a destiny that tells us that someday we will shine with a brightness that will blind the eyes of natural man.

In the gospel there are infinite reasons to rejoice. Paul says that a Christian marriage is a living parable of this joyful gospel. In Eph.5:32 he's saying, "I'm not merely talking about marriage. I am talking about the mystery of Christ and His church. A glorious joy and grace and gladness that was once hidden is now revealed and poured out on His church".

Husbands, in every encounter and every conversation with your wife you have the awesome privilege of bearing witness to Christ's sacrificial love and leadership. You get to show for all to see (your children, neighbors, and the waitress in the restaurant) what Christ's love for His church is like by the way you treat your wife.

Wives, in every encounter and every conversation you get the awesome privilege to bear a witness to the joyful yielded-ness (submission) of His church in your joyful yielded-ness to your husband. This has nothing to do with inferiority or superiority. It has to do with God's calling on your marriage to be a living parable of the gospel. God calls us to live out and point this world to the source of Hope, love and joy that is found in Jesus Christ.

In a Christian marriage you discover your joy as you arrange for the holy joy of your spouse. Will you do this? Or will you stubbornly attempt to arrange your own joy at the expense of your spouse's joy?

In a Christian marriage you serve a higher purpose than addressing each other's needs. You have the great privilege of being a living parable of the good news of Jesus Christ. Will you ask God for the grace to do this?

Wouldn't it be wondrous if when people looked at our marriages they would say, "My how they love one another! Where can we find what you have?" Or "I think you have something we really need." Then, you can say, "No one can ever love you like Jesus and that is where we have found such an extravagant love.